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  1. #1
    Senior Member santa123fawr@hellokitty.com's Avatar
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    Post I admit....I don't really have anything to post for this forum right now

    I would make a thread about chatting about happy things, but a person saying they 'have a hard time finding happy things to talk about' could....bother me. I'm still an easily upsetted and overly sensitive young woman, who has grown up not seeing much of the world outside my house overall to be honest. My autism only making the world even more confusing to me. I see myself as a 'girly' girl; this is how I saw myself all my life, really. However, over the years, people on the net have made me worry that maybe that's a BAD thing, and it'll lead me to becoming to the one thing i never wanted to be; a bully. Cuz of all that, i cannot stand even the tinniest drop of negative news, really. I guess i'm shutting myself out to the world; but i'm very, sadly, mentally unstable. Perhaps ill. I'm on several medications, too, and though i don't take them everyday anymore, my issues are indeed real. And my confusion. How could liking something happy make a person want to pick on others? I just don't understand. I just don't understand at all....

    You now know even more about me than you may of ever cared to know. If not for all this, I would be working harder to make this place more active again; and i really want to. I believe in stuff like hello kitty and sanrio and cuteness sooo much. I always have. That's the person I am. My crush on korrina? She's a happy, cute, girlish, all out upbeat and lovable character to me. Falling in love with her only made sense in the end. I'm working on my confidence more and more nowadays. However, i'm still very much afraid of this world. And the pain it can cause to others. And I admit; my naming myself 'scary' usernames might be helpful to my accepting the negative more. As I really do try to push it away. I want to get better. I want to live in this scary world, and be a light to others; and not push away what i don't understand so much anymore. I hope one day, that is possable. I won't give up hope. Even now, I have a book about easter time irl with uplifting poems, even ones that are a little 'dark' to me, and lots of the prettiest flower pictures of ever seen in said book; and this book HAS helped my confidence a bit. I don't want to be overly confident, though; i want a balence for myself. I believe the japanese ying and yang way may be helpful, and what matters is you never have to 'hurt' anyone. I am a vegetarian, too, and have been vegan for about 6 months after i first heard of factory farms (never talk about those around me, please. it seriously got to me....). Stopped cuz it was just too hard for me.

    Yeah...i'm getting tired, so i duno what else to add.....oh and dreams mean a lot to me too. I've had good dream recall since age 7. More nightmares in my life may be helpful to me rather than hurtful, unlike for other people. Due to my delicate nature.

    I'll end with this note: Korrina, I love you. If you were real, you'd be my girlfriend. We'd be super close. I don't care what people think of my typing this. Anything that helps me so much just has to be good to me. I guess?
    I AM Santa123fawr

    I have a crush on Korrina from Pokemon x and y that....i feel i need to tell the whole net about cuz it's real big and stuff o.o;

    My gender is irrelevant, have a nice day now.
    And I didn't make my awesome av :3 xD

  2. #2
    Senior Member santa123fawr@hellokitty.com's Avatar
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    Wow....re-reading that post gave me the chills.

    Even if its all true I guess the korrina parts are happy, though....(i really duno what to think in the end i guess though)

    I really want to get stronger. I actually kinda relate to Gladian's wanting to get stronger in pokemon sun, too. Maybe that's why he always seemed so 'cool' to me O.o I sorta...picked up he's kinda like me. I'm also a lot like N from Pokemon Black and White (even though i WAS NOT sheltered out of malicion; i was sheltered due to the severity of my autism. which i question if it was that severe, or not. then again, with my confused thinking.....i really just don't know)

    I relate to pokemon quite a bit, really, with the autism. I probably wouldn't be so into it if i was a non-autistic girly girl; that rather scares me, too. I can't say i'm too happy to have a mental illness, either, though Whats better; a life with an illness that makes me frighten my family sometime or a life of non illness where i'm a total threat to society as a whole? Nightmare fuel all the way there....

    Why do I not naturally like 'boy' stuff, outside maybe pokemon? Also, korrina is a fighting type leader....i find it neat i like her for that. perhaps i'm improving. but does improvement=less girly? I really don't know. I think I....wanna go to bed now. I hope this thread didn't spook people too much. But I guess they need to know the full truth about me. I guess....

    Yes....i am a pretty much perfect image of naivity and innocence. Or not. Its hard to say....but......i fail to see whats to dislike about stuff like hello kitty and sanrio. And maybe barbie too. Even if she can be awkward to look at with my huge crush on korrina now XD Princesses...fairies.....they seem so nice to me o.o Like...not dark...or sad? If that makes sense?
    I AM Santa123fawr

    I have a crush on Korrina from Pokemon x and y that....i feel i need to tell the whole net about cuz it's real big and stuff o.o;

    My gender is irrelevant, have a nice day now.
    And I didn't make my awesome av :3 xD

  3. #3
    Autistic spectrum children are put under a greater microscope than non-autistic children. If you ever done something bad to a sibbling, for instance, they will say it's because of your condition, when in fact most brothers/sisters tease and sometimes fight one another. Part of growing up, that somehow you're not allowed to do when you're autistic for fear it could be something worse without any particular basis in fact. Worse is if you are being told you can't enjoy life like other people and that you are needlessly put on medication without good cause simply because your parents might be paranoid not about something you have done, but something that in theory you might do because of what some twit wrote in a book, or worse, a womens magazine.

    I don't know your circumstances. There is a thing called 'autistic malice'. I am no expert, but it looks like just malice tendencies no greater than in the general population coupled with autism. So you're probably just as likely to not have it whether or not you have been labelled with 'autism'. It is this stigma autistics have to live by. It seems autistics do not have bad intents. What they have is a failure to spontaneously react to what they do. They may beat themselves up over it afterwards. They may say something that they didn't realize may have upset someone, and then regretted it afterwards after careful contemplation. This goes for everyone. Everyone who has ever breathed air has done this. But as autism is a scale, so too are things like this. You may have an increased tendency with things everyone else experiences. It does not make you a bad person.

    (Whether or not you have been diagnosed as being on the scale, you are not an alien if you have been; there is no 'on'/'off' switch where someone has it and another does not. It is part of the human experience. We're all on the scale depending on how you define it. The only difference that in your case, and the case of people who have been labelled, it is of such severity where it rises to some level of disability.)

    Furthermore, the world is full of people who like to abuse one another, so whatever tendencies to overlook what you may do or say are overshadowed by the preponderance of people being people in a dog eat dog world. People attack each other for being fat/short/ugly/sexual/girly. There is classism, homophobia, people who persecute the shy, quiet kid and portray them as murderers (often courtesy of the left wing media lying about the profile of shooters). Many of those who call themselves 'progressives' are the greatest hypocrites of all. The world is a nasty place, full of bullies and you don't seem to be on the same scale of them at all. But it is difficult to say as I do not know you. And you do not know me, either. Actually, I think I am corrupted by the idiots in the world and am not a nice guy.

    I can't say your parents are wrong for putting you on medications or telling you to be cautious because I do not know you, or how severe you inflictions might conceivably be. I'm not meaning to undermine them. They're in a much better position than I am to say what is right for you. But I think there is a distinct possibility you are being put under a microscope and not being allowed to live your life to the fullest because of excessive paranoia about your condition.
    Last edited by dwayne2004@hellokitty.com; 08-18-2017 at 06:29 PM.

  4. #4
    Liking girly things does not make you a bully. It sounds like you have really had a negative message about you hammered into you throughout your life. I was worried about this sort of thing when I done research countering the lies in the media on my blog about the profiles of 'bad people' (many of whom were wrongfully theorized to be autistic): the effect this is having on parenting and children. I realize you are not a child now, but you definitely grew up in the wrong period when children with social difficulties became societys black sheep and scapegoats.

    I wish I could help. We both had socially withdrawn childhoods. Although you mentioned a friend, so hopefully you are able to experience more on that front. Do you ever get the chance to go out places likes the movie theatres or concerts (too noisy for me, but I did go several times for Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Carribean when they came out)?

    I can't say finding love is going to bring you happiness, so I can't necessarily say dating is the key. You might end up in a abusive relationship. You do need more positivity in your life, though. I hear some find it in love, I wouldn't know. Branching out your interests I feel will be rewarding for you, though. When I was in my twenties, I got into all kinds of films from all kinds of eras and it helped to make me feel happy at a very difficult time for me when my living situation felt like emotional torture.
    Last edited by dwayne2004@hellokitty.com; 08-19-2017 at 08:18 PM.

  5. #5
    Senior Member santa123fawr@hellokitty.com's Avatar
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    Unhappy

    EDIT: I just read your newest post. Yes, people have thrown the bad stereo types around at me It's made me doubt my self image in liking all things cute and happy. And that its really not a good thing. People I know now are trying to help me past it, though. I thank God so much for these people...

    I thank you for your kindness I want to believe i can like anything i want and it won't have a side to it that would hurt my heart
    Last edited by santa123fawr@hellokitty.com; 08-21-2017 at 09:04 PM.
    I AM Santa123fawr

    I have a crush on Korrina from Pokemon x and y that....i feel i need to tell the whole net about cuz it's real big and stuff o.o;

    My gender is irrelevant, have a nice day now.
    And I didn't make my awesome av :3 xD

  6. #6
    You need to have more faith in yourself. I don't know where you can muster that from. You're treading too cautiously in fear of hurting others and not enjoying life as you should. The first thing I think is that you should seeing yourself as another type of human. You are just as capable of caring as anyone else, if not rather more so, and to move forward in your life and want things while you are still young is not inconsiderate. And believe me, your youth won't last nearly as long as you think!

  7. #7
    Senior Member santa123fawr@hellokitty.com's Avatar
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    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by dwayne2004@hellokitty.com View Post
    You need to have more faith in yourself. I don't know where you can muster that from. You're treading too cautiously in fear of hurting others and not enjoying life as you should. The first thing I think is that you should seeing yourself as another type of human. You are just as capable of caring as anyone else, if not rather more so, and to move forward in your life and want things while you are still young is not inconsiderate. And believe me, your youth won't last nearly as long as you think!
    Thank you These are really good words. I actually end up hurting my family with meltdowns due to my fears. So...they're making me go darth vader. It needs to end. Sometimes, I can be so mean to my family, i'll say 'i don't care' if they tell me to stop o__O;; And it really roots in my fear that I WILL hurt them cuz I like things I fail to see the 'bad' in 'liking'. Like cute things and the color pink.

    I hope I sleep on the post you made. Truth is; a lot of people have told me these very things more so this year. But maybe reading it on a HELLO KITTY forum will help it sink in a lot more. Cuz Hello Kitty and also the pink layout both mean a lot to me.

    I want to make peace with my childhood, too I keep blaming it for my issues and pointing fingers at my grandma for effecting my 'girly' personality though I haven't even BEEN around her a lot. Chances are, I was just into girly things as a kid. Period. It was just who I am. No one else's fault. Not even my grandma's....
    I AM Santa123fawr

    I have a crush on Korrina from Pokemon x and y that....i feel i need to tell the whole net about cuz it's real big and stuff o.o;

    My gender is irrelevant, have a nice day now.
    And I didn't make my awesome av :3 xD

  8. #8
    Liking things/not liking them is not going to change who you are inside. I like a vast variety of things. They have no relevance to who I am inside, they do not help to determine whether I'm good or bad. You shouldn't be afraid to like the things you do, least of all girly things. Enjoying stuff is no reflection of your morality, it's you just wanting to experience life. There are some potential issues with how liking stuff may upset another. For instance, as an example I don't like hearing thumping/droning sounds through walls, so if someone around was sensitive to that kind of thing the way to remedy that would be to invest in a pair of headphones. This is just an example. Most interests I can't imagine should interfere with another person, although autistics often do have obsessive compulsive issues and if you were a collector it might get 'crazy' and mess up the house. Do you collect anything? Any thoughts about hobbies such as collecting?

    I'm not good with advice, and shouldn't be doing this so casually as I could be giving poor advice or misjudging the situation.
    Last edited by dwayne2004@hellokitty.com; 08-22-2017 at 05:14 PM.

  9. #9
    Senior Member santa123fawr@hellokitty.com's Avatar
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    That...was all very well wrote o.o;; I do have too much fear inside, which cloud's my judgement of things. Stereo types I hear of do not help, though. I'm not a huge collector of anything; I have a good sense not to get into that type of thing with the autism XD Though I do sometimes go a bit over board when we buy chocolate nutrition bars at the store :P I just cannot resist getting a whole bunch of those. I never like running out of them, haha.

    Again: Thank you Living in constant worry isn't good for my health. Even right now, I feel half dead after taking a simple nap Needing medications for my issues may be starting to kill me now.
    I AM Santa123fawr

    I have a crush on Korrina from Pokemon x and y that....i feel i need to tell the whole net about cuz it's real big and stuff o.o;

    My gender is irrelevant, have a nice day now.
    And I didn't make my awesome av :3 xD

  10. #10
    Senior Member shumibiggi@mymelody.com's Avatar
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    I know what stress, anxiety and worrying can do to someone's body. My life was a hell since my birth but the past years have been worst with each day being worst than the previous one. It started by me having PTSD and triggers in addition of all my mental problems and now it has started to affect me physically too.
    If you fall, I'll be there. - Floor

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